I am writing this post from hospital, happy knowing that in one more sleep I will be heading home. Hooray! I am sorry for not posting more regularly while I have been in here. I will aim to post regularly during the following weeks as much as possible (ie. including unforeseen hospital “tune up’s”!).
Hospital admissions have often sent me home with a reality check. It is easy to feel like you are missing out on something when you are in here. You can feel like you are a million miles away from normal human life. And then there are those times when you see or experience something that makes you re-evaluate everything.
In 2006 I spent my Christmas in this very place (in this very room actually!). During that time I was very sick and the doctors were talking about assessment for a double lung transplant. I was petrified. I was grieving the loss of my “normal” life as I was spending more time in hospital than out. I just wanted to go outside and be a young woman again with a lifetime of opportunities ahead of me. While school friends were travelling the world, having babies, getting married or achieving their career ambitions, I was thinking about transplants, wills, funerals, and death. At 24. It was the most surreal time of my life.
My life had become my illness and I went along with that because I felt like I didn’t have another option. I was down and depressed, to say the least. One day my Mum came to visit me. I knew that she was sad and anxious because things were not looking good for me. It made me sad to see her hurting but I was so sad and angry myself that I just didn’t know how to talk to her about it. We were sitting there one afternoon, I was having a bit of a rant about some small thing that had annoyed me that day, when Mum went quiet. When I looked at her I could see that she was almost crying. I asked what was wrong and this is what she said to me:
“When you were a little girl you were so happy, you were always smiling with this big, beautiful smile. And now I look at you and how hard it is for you and I cannot remember the last time I saw you smile or laugh and it makes me very sad. So I am just holding onto that image of that smiling, happy little girl and I know, deep down, that is who you really are. “
At first I was a bit shocked, like “why would I be smiling with what’s going on?” and then it hit me fair smack in the face. I did NOT want this to be how my family remembered me. I wanted them to remember me as that happy, smiling, laughing girl, not the angry, grumpy person I had become. I wanted to be THAT person again. My heart broke when she said that to me but it was the best thing that she could have ever said or done.
From that day on I made it my goal to be a happy, smiling person again. I wanted to know that if my time was to come tomorrow, I wanted to be remembered as a cheerful, positive and bright person. We make tomorrow’s memories today so you have to start with the here and now and enjoy what you have with those you love. It hasn’t been all smooth sailing but you know what? Since my attitude has improved so has my health. Funny that!
So, while I have had a few down days since I have been in here, I remember that moment, in this room and how it changed my perspective forever. I know my family will have beautiful memories of me, how will your loved ones remember you? It is never too late to be that person you want to be remembered as. I will never go back to where I was and now my Mum gets to see my smile all the time! See you next week!
All the best, Lily
For more information on myself or this blog please see this POST or my ABOUT page
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Lily,
It was great to add you as a ‘facebook friend’. I have just read your blogs and love what you are writing. My memories of you are of Girl Guides when we were little, and Jackson’s Bar when we had fun serving the drunks 🙂 So they are of your beautiful smile. Keep it up. I will pass on this blog link to my Aunt who has Chronic Fatigue. All the best especially at this Christmas time.
Gillian